Since writing my first “Friends With Benefits” article – Can it work? received a lot of attention, I’ve decided to try my hand at another one- this time dealing with the emotional connection that can come with a Friends with Benefits relationship.
In my previous article, I touched on the rules and guidelines to make this type of relationship work for both parties involved. Now although, it’s best for these rules to be followed, it’s only human nature to begin having an emotional attachment on some level to the person in you’re in the Friends with Benefits relationship with. These attachments can vary from simply wanting to spend more time with the individual, to something a little more serious such as feelings of jealousy when they begin a new committed relationship (that’s not with you!)
These types of feelings can come with the territory, and are to be expected to a degree. It’s when they begin to become overwhelming when things can get a little hairy. So to prevent yourself from getting hurt when your Friends with Benefits relationship comes to an end, it’s important to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally prior to even beginning.
Preparing yourself emotionally stats long before you even step foot into the bedroom for the first time. It begins when the idea of the relationship is first presented. You must tell yourself that the whole purpose of this is JUST SEX. Nothing more. It’s all about fun between the sheets, enjoying the pleasures of the body and then moving on.
You have to keep telling yourself (sometimes over and over) that it’s all about the sex here and now. As I mentioned in my previous article, it takes a special type of personality to feel 100% comfortable and fall easily into this type of relationship. It takes someone who enjoys sex, and can put their mind in a place that the sex is simply “helping out a friend” while getting a little pleasure out of it or themselves as well.
A technique that can be used to help eliminate any emotional connections is every now and again to cool things off for a bit. A ’semi break up’ if you will of the Friends with Benefits relationship. If things have been going great for a few weeks or even a month, and you think you really have a good thing going here, and want to preserve it (keep in mind, this type of relationship often has a short shelf life) than take a step back from it for a week or two. Limit the time spent together as well as communication. If during this time you feel a longing for the other individual than you my friend have an emotional attachment building. For some during this cooling off period, they may begin to feel pissed off with the fact that their friend hasn’t called or tried to contact them. This can be a good thing for some people, as it can help end a connection that was building that you didn’t even know had begun. When the pissed off feeling turns into a “Fine, Fuck you too!” than you’re ready to start the sex again.
If you feel a deep emotional bond with the person you need to bring it to their attention as soon as possible. Perhaps they are feeling the same, and a new committed relationship can begin. Perhaps not. But it’s important to address the issue to prevent hurt feelings down the road.
Are you in a Friends with Benefits relationship now? Have you been in one in the past? I welcome your comments on how things went for you. Was it a good experience? Bad? Would you do it again? Common people.. I’m all ears!!
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m in what he calls “It’s Complicated.” He has been my best friend for over 4 years. But, we’ve been FWB for a little over a year now. I’ve tried dating to break off of this. But, haven’t found the right person. He has a GF and she has no idea about me. But, I know of her. I’ve gotten extremely jealous. We’ve talked about it. I love him. He cares a lot about me (this part is an extremely long story). Which is sick. But, he wants to protect me from “being” with him because he says he’s terrible BF material. I can’t stop. The emotional attachment is insane. I wish there was a way around it. Or he’d leave her. I don’t know maybe I’m insane.
I’ve had a working F.W.B. situation for about 14 months now. It’s drama free for the most part but we’ve had some issues in the past. When it first started, I was single for the first time in 4 years and the last thing on earth that I wanted at the time was a boyfriend. I met him through some mutual friends and he immediately saw me as a conquest, which is how he sees many women. After hanging out (and making out) with him for a couple of months, and after my friends warned me that he was 30 going on 17, I decided he was perfect for this because there was NO WAY I could ever get attached to a guy like him so, I agreed to go out with him once and week and we’d have attachment free sex.
Ha.Ha.Ha! Damn oxytocin gets you every time.
After a few months of spending way too much time together (more than 1x a week), we began to realize that we were getting way too involved. I’d get jealous, he’d push me away, then call me 2 days later and we’d have mind blowing make up sex. Finally, we did the necessary thing and slowed it down to once a month. Then I met someone else and dated him for about 6 months in which time, I still saw my friend but only as a friend with no benefits. I must admit, it was a little awkward and I’m still not convinced that we’re actually friends even though I think we both like to believe that we are.
Well, the boyfriend and I broke up and the F.W.B. happened to call the next day (just to hang out, he didn’t know) and I took the opportunity to use him to get over my very fresh heartache figuring, that since I no longer felt attached to him, I wouldn’t feel that way again.
Wrong.
We’ve been sleeping together again for about a month and a half and I can feel the oxytocin rush once again. I’m trying to think of ways to reduce its effect like: no cuddling, less frequency, not spending the night, etc… I haven’t tried any of these things yet since, well, I enjoy spending the night and cuddling.
Any one had any rules that actually worked? I guess I could try not sleeping with him anymore but I’ve tried that before and I was only successful when it meant I’d be cheating on a boyfriend.
I don’t think getting another boyfriend solely for this purpose would be wise.